PAPERLESS, TONERLESS COPIER CAUSES INTER-OFFICE MASS SUICIDE

(Artist's rendering of the copier in question)

Jan. 21st, 2010 - Greenfield, MA

      At 6:00 pm on Jan. 20th, 2010 at the offices of Wilson and Lyon's Attorney at Law offices in Greenfield, MA, eight deceased employees were discovered by the night janitor later that evening.  Upon investigation, it was determined that the entire office staff had each committed suicide earlier that day.
     Local police investigators later determined, from various suicide notes located upon the bodies, desks and in e-mails to their families, the staff had given up hope sometime between 2:30 and 3:00 pm. that fateful day.  The notes referred to a copy machine, which sat in the corner of the paralegal pit, a cubiculed area just outside of the main attorney's offices.
     Apparently, the employees had tried, over an extended period of time, to reload the paper and the toner cartridge of the copier in question.  Each of the eight employees began to lose hope when they congregated around the copier, trying to get the paper in correctly and removing the toner from it's complicated cardboard box.  Many of the notes indicated that many of the females employed by the firm, tried to put the toner cartridge in upside down.  The display was said to indicate that the paper and toner were still not installed even though the majority of the employees agreed that they were indeed installed correctly.  The copier then proceeded to indicate a paper jam after each of the employees repeatedly hit the "copy" button.
     The complicated fax addition to the copier could also have contributed to this tragedy, but was not mentioned as prominently as the paper and toner in the suicide notes.
     The night janitor, Clive Winters, was the first to discover the bodies upon entering the office and smelling the stale scent of copper, as blood flowed from various wrist wounds of the former office employees.  Upon closer inspection, he found the main attorneys of the firm dead in the solitude of their respective offices.  Stephen Wilson, a bankruptcy attorney, had tied a cellphone charger chord around the ceiling fan and had hung himself earlier that day, his body still rotating slowly above the desk in the office.  His partner, Richard Lyon's, an accident specialty attorney, had taken his favorite .357 magnum, he frequently liked to shoot with his son on the weekends, and had blown off the back of his head.
     Many of the paralegals employed by the firm had apparently obtained some kind of poison and had added it to the office coffee maker, and committed a ritual poisoning together around 2:45pm.  Others of the office, including a secretary named Rita Pulaski, had actually gone out to the parking lot, moved their vehicle closer to the office's main window, and constructed a hose out of a piece of the firm's vacuum cleaner.  They connected the hose to the tailpipes of their various vehicles and pumped carbon monoxide into the office which was still apparent later when Clive had entered the office to do his nightly chores.
     Police investigation has determined that no foul play was involved in the incident and has determined the suicides as voluntary on the part of the firm's employees.  The copier in question was removed immediately for analysis as well as toner samples from the various worker's fingers were also collected to determine time of death and motive.  A press release is scheduled for Jan. 23rd at 3:30pm.