OSCAR BUZZ CENTRAL

Here it is loyal readers, the predictions for the 82nd annual Academy Awards for 2009.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

 

(Pictured:  Waltz as Col. Hans Landa choking a Jew just out of screenshot)

The first is Christoph Waltz, for INGLORIUS BASTERDS, the Tarantino war epic in which he portrays a Nazi psycopath.  Waltz is hailed as the best performance by a German psychopath since Adolf Hitler and will follow up his Cannes Festival Best Actor win with a less than honorable Best Supporting Oscar win at the Academy awards, even though his screen time more than doubled Brad Pitt's in the film. Waltz amazed all audiences with his portrayal of Col. Hans Landa  in four different languages; English, German, Congoese, and Episcopalian

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

(Pictured:  Mo'nique in the famous "happy ending" scene in SOULPLANE)

Our prediction for Best Supporting Actress is Mo'nique, the actress known best for her non-oscar nominated roles in SOULPLANE and PHAT GIRLS.  Her dramatic role in the film PRECIOUS will in turn give her an oscar win for doughnut-monster of the year. Mo'nique has her own talk show on the BET Network, which features many guests and far better actors like Denzel Washington, Sidney Poitier and Jamie Foxx.  Mo'nique lost her weave for the role of a poor abusive mother to a teen out of control, but not her impressive, fake painted fingernails.

BEST ACTRESS

(Pictured:  That new black chick in that one movie where her mom kick's the crap out of her)

For best Actress we have newcomer Gaborney Shaba.. Sharbi... Sade.. oh, who am I kidding?  She really needed a stage name!  Also, from the film PRECIOUS, G.S. portrays the title character who is impregnated by her father and abused by her mother.  Why they cast a black actress in a movie about Appalachian inbreeding is beyond me, maybe that's why she's gonna get a gold statue? Joan Rivers awaits with baited breath on what's she's going to wear on the red carpet, and just how many bolts of cloth it's going to take.
It's going to be interesting to see the presenters trying to say her name!

BEST ACTOR

(Pictured:  Jeff Bridge's less talented brother, Beau Bridges, star of one of the many STARGATE series)

The only definite winner this year is Jeff Bridges for his portrayal of a country singer in the film CRAZY HEART.  He is a struggling alcoholic and singer, and so is the character he portrays in the film.  He is the forerunner for Best Performance by an Offspring of a Non-Oscar winner. He follows his nomination this year with his 1976 nomination for the KING KONG remake and his portrayal of Flynn in TRON, a role he is reprising in a new sequel of the 1982 Disney classic.  He was also nominated for a movie about an alien idiot that comes to earth... E.T. ,I think it was?


BEST PICTURE

(Pictured: Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington after they've been bastardized by a Unix 5,000 CGI processing computer, the same computer to which Andy Serkis is clearly addicted. )

James Cameron's AVATAR is going to win by sheer box office dollar power.  Six years ago LOTR: RETURN OF THE KING showed us that a huge 31/2 hour, CGI driven film could win best picture with synthetic actors and sets which only exist in cyberspace.  With a lackluster script stolen from DANCES WITH WOLVES, AVATAR is voted by all in the academy as a cornerstone in movie making.  James Cameron could also walk away with BEST DIRECTOR, his first since TITANIC... come to think of it, that was his last film and it was 13 years ago, talk about resting on your laurels. All he's done since then was DARK ANGEL, and well,  it did give us Jessica Alba, right? I mean, even Peter Jackson followed LOTR with KING KONG almost immediately. I guess that's the difference between a Kiwi and a stuck-up American Boob.

(Pictured below:  Cliff Klaven, from CHEERS, tries to get an alien's scrawl on an eviction notice in DISTRICT 9)

AVATAR'S direct competiton is DISTRICT 9, a 31/2 hour CGI driven film, also with synthetic actors and sets that only exist in South Africa.  This film stole the whole APARTHEID thing and watered it down by making aliens the target of white prejudice, instead of black people.  The black people were still the bad guys in the film, however, portrayed as black-market Nigerian gun runners, who practice voodoo and devour the flesh of the aliens in order to get their powers. I'm glad the screenwriters put facts in to support an otherwise fictional reality.
The annoying South African accent of the main character definitely needs subtitles, for this film to be really enjoyed, or understood.  Despite an amazing performance, he was snubbed in the best actor nominations race, because nobody in the academy could tell what he was saying.

The other nominees are bleeding heart stories about Iraq and disposing of bombs, or some crap like that, and not 3 1/2 hour sci-fi ass-kicking epics!

BEST DIRECTOR

(Pictured:  Tarantino's reaction to not receiving his Oscar win for PULP FICTION)

All I need to say is TARANTINO, beeoches!  His film INGLORIUS BASTERDS is a masterpiece of witty situations in which subtitles build the tension and don't in any way take away from the compelling story on the screen.  The strange mishmash of characters make IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD look like a primer on doing chores around the house.  He missed his statue with PULP FICTION and the movies between these two films were cool, but not Oscar worthy by any stretch of the imagination.  We here at the WRONG HANDS NEWS want to see him walk away with the Oscar, if only just to see his fragmented and non-sensical acceptance speech.