QUICK HEADLINES

YET ANOTHER FAT PERV DRESSES UP LIKE BLACK SPIDERMAN AND HAS MANY VHS DISNEY MOVIES TO ATTRACT VICTIMS

LINDSAY LOHAN'S ANKLE THING SET TO EXLODE JUST LIKE IN "ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK"

MALVORIANS SEIZE CONTROL OF CANDONIA IN TINY GALAXY CONTAINED IN THE FINGER NAIL CRUD OF LOCAL HOMELESS MAN

ARMY'S "ARMY OF ONE" SLOGAN OBVIOUSLY STRATEGY IN IRAQ:  THEY'LL PULL OUT WHEN THERE'S ONE SOLDIER LEFT

TELEPHONE LEAPS OUT IN FRONT OF LOCAL LIAR'S CAR

IPAD ACCIDENTLY DROPPED IN TOILET, KINDLE ACCIDENTLY DROPPED IN TOILET, ZUNE DROPPED IN TRASHCAN

SOCCER TEAM DELAYED ON TARMAC, PREMATURELY EAT THE GOALIE

LAZY DOG OWNER MIXES LAWN FERTILIZER INTO DOG FOOD

TIMELY EXPLOSION ENDS SUICIDE BOMBER'S LIFE

AREA MAN KNOWS WHICH COUNTRY THE PHOTO WAS TAKEN IN BY THE SHAPE OF IT'S MANHOLE COVERS

HERMIT CRAB UPGRADES TO RED BULL CAN

DEVIL WENT DOWN ON GEORGIA

TRAIN WINS BATTLE DESPITE COWS INDIFFERENCE 

THE HURT LOCKER DEFEATS AVATAR IN BEST PICTURE RACE

     James Cameron's epic future war film is dwarfed and over shadowed by a much more unimportant conflict, the war in Iraq.  THE HURT LOCKER ran away with the Oscar for BEST PICTURE of 2009, leaving the colorful, vibrant world of AVATAR in a cloud of sandy despair.  The academy members overlooked the years of work, CGI achievements and creative imaginings for a film about three soldiers trying to beat each other up in their barracks after a drinking binge.  A two hour film about defusing bombs takes out the most successful film ever made, with a compelling story and terrific acting by a squad of nobodys, of which none had a CGI version of himself in the same film with his actual self.
     Incredible blue versions of the actors fly across the screen on their linked flying creatures, while a bunch of sweaty, sandy C and D students try to keep themselves alive by cutting the same wire on the same bomb for two hours straight.  AVATAR has incredible actors such as: Sigourney Weaver, Stephen Lang and Giovanni Ribisi.  THE HURT LOCKER's only famous actor, Guy Pearce, is blown to hell in the first ten minutes.
     Nominated for best actor, Jeremy Renner, portrays a soldier on the edge, and frightfully similar to the soldier on the edge he played in 28 WEEKS LATER, or the ex-SWAT member on the edge he portrayed in S.W.A.T. (which had Michelle Rodriguez, the surprise character, the gutsy female pilot in AVATAR.)  Renner first came to fame portraying the serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer in the film of the same name.  In this film, he portrayed a killer on the edge.  Renner is in talks to portray the bow and arrow wielding super-hero, Hawkeye in the upcoming AVENGERS movie.  In this film, he'll play a super-hero on the edge.  Renner's best scene is when he finds a bomb sewn into the body of a child he thinks is one of his friends.  The scene is extremely well acted, and the follow-up scene when he realizes it was the wrong kid, and his friend is still alive, is blown off as if the first scene never happened.  He also has many scenes in which he drinks and punches people.
     Kathryn Bigelow, THE HURT LOCKER's director, used to be married to James Cameron, director of AVATAR, in real life.  Her Oscar for Best Director of 2009 would've been a knife in Cameron's back if he hadn't already won in 1997 for TITANIC, along with Best Picture that year.  Bigelow's win didn't phase Cameron in the slightest, since AVATAR has made a billion dollars and THE HURT LOCKER made people say, "What? Never heard of that one." TITANIC had been the previous most successful movie ever made before AVATAR, so who really won academy members, hmmm?

QUICK HEADLINES FROM AN ALTERNATE REALITY

SANTA CLAUS MYTH FINALLY LAID TO REST

OBAMA FINALLY PAROLLED AFTER 26 YEARS

PILOT OF "ENOLA GAY" VISITS HIROSHIMA BOMBSITE

MARILYN MANSON RECEIVES WALMART EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

PLANET'S AXIS SHIFTS FOR THIRD TIME THIS MONTH

CATHOLIC CHURCH EXPUNGES FINAL PEDERAST FROM RANKS

SNEEZE GUARD HUGELY UNSUCCESSFUL IN STOPPING KILLER VIRUS

CUSTOMER REALIZES HIS "MOO GOO GAI-PAN" IS ACTUALLY DOG

ADAM CORROLLA KING OF THE "ALL SHAVING CHANNEL"

ALIENS PROUDLY LAND ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN, WORLD REJOICES (ALTERNATE REALITY ONE)

ALIENS HOLD OFF TANKS AND MISSILES FROM UNITED EARTH DEFENSE FORCE ON WHITE HOUSE LAWN (ALTERNATE REALITY TWO)

ALIENS LAND IN THE MIDDLE OF MAIN STREET IN SPEEDBUMP, ARKANSAS (ALTERNATE REALITY THREE)

NELSON MANDELA EUTHANIZES 3 MILLION AFTER U.S. GRAIN EMBARGO

SECOND THOUGHT HITS NEIGHBOR'S MIND JUST BEFORE DRAINO IS PUT INTO HAMBURGER PATTY

KFC LAUNCHES IT'S ALL BEEF CHICKEN STRIPS

WATER DEEMED UNHEALTHY TO BREATHE

MARIJUANA LEGALIZED IN EVERY STATE WITHOUT VOWELS  IN IT'S NAME

FIRST EVER DUMPSTER BABY SHOCKS NATION

SPOCK'S BEARD APPEARS ON EVERY GOOD GUY IN MOVIES AND T.V.

JERRY SPRINGER'S RALLYING SPEECH AT NUREMBURG HAS TRAILER TRASH MOTIVATED FOR WAR

POPE REACHES LEVEL 70 IN CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 2

KING TUT'S CRAP SOLD ON EBAY TO FINANCE TERRORIST ARMS DEAL

COLD WAR REACHES NEW LEVEL WHEN RUSSIA GIVES ALL IT'S MISSILES TO AFGHANS

LEBANON, JEWEL OF THE MIDDLE EAST, NO.1 TOURIST ATTRACTION

U.S. NAVY FINALLY SINKS ICEBERG WHICH TOOK OUT THE TITANIC

ONLY THE SHITIEST  PARTS OF CALIFORNIA FALL INTO THE OCEAN

SATELLITE T.V. REPLACED BY INTERNET FINALLY

  

COD: MODERN WARFARE 2 DELAYS CANCER CURE

     Infinity Ward, the creators of the newest addition to the Call of Duty series, Modern Warfare 2,  have successfully delayed the cure for cancer once again.  The intense multiplayer action has kept scientists at the world's most advanced cancer research labs from reaching that goal.  Most of these scientists have stopped their stem cell research and gene therapy, in order to unlock all of the awesome weapons and abilities for their various loadouts and to reach that coveted level 70 and the glorious Prestige Mode which follows.

     The nefarious company delayed the research a few years back with the first Modern Warfare game and succeeded to delay the cure even furthur with COD: World at War, which quickly followed.  Steve Forbush, lead producer for Infinity Ward said, "We knew we had to follow up quickly with COD: WAW because cancer was begining to lose it's foothold on the infirmed of the various nations around the world.  The distraction of Modern Warfare was not enough, we needed a quick follow-up."

     As WAW continued with it's multiplayer success, with very few points allotted to reach new levels much more slowly than before. It's mini-game, Nazi-Zombies seemed like the next logical step to distract the learned professors.  A small game which pits four players in a two-story, bombed out building, they must hold off wave after wave of zombies dressed like WWII german soldiers.  The success of this mini-game was a sure fire indication that cancer was here to stay.  Infinity Ward then continued to add on different and more complex levels to this mini-game in order to sound the death knell to any scientific gain on the various cancers which plague mankind.

     But, it's popularity began to wane, and cancer was in danger of becoming extinct once again.  Then, came Modern Warfare 2.  Breast and prostate cancer were on the chopping block, when the teasers for MW2 began to surface and the scientific minds picked up the first MW to brush up on their skills in anticipation of it's release.  The mediocre single player story paled in comparison to the fragfest that is the multiplayer mode.  Electron-microscopes were left to gather dust, as players tried to unlock the thermal sniper scopes in order to snipe across maps, or get the dual P-90's to deal double-barreled death.

     Months later, scientists achieving level 70 and Prestige Mode completely forgot why they were even in a cold laboratory looking for ways to stop malignant cells and tumors.  Infinity Ward had completed it's work in ensuring that cancer would be here to stay.

A side note, the new multiplayer mode of Bioshock 2 actually has a power (plasmid) where you give the other player's avatar cancer.  This game is not an Infinity Ward product, at least not that we know. 

    (Pictured:  A player in BIOSHOCK 2 about to give his opponent Prostate or Esophagial Cancer) 

HEADLINES THROUGHOUT HISTORY

NATIVE AMERICAN GENOCIDIST GETS FACE ON $20 BILL

CAVEMAN DROPS ROCK ON FOOT, INVENTS PAIN

BOOTHE UTTERS "SICK TEMPERED MERMANUS" AFTER HE SHOOTS LINCOLN

LOYAL ORDER OF WATER BUFFALOS SPAWNS NEW GROUP:  THE FREEMASONS

U.S. OBSESSED WITH THE 49TH PARALLEL IN IT'S OWN COUNTRY AS WELL AS KOREA

PUERTO RICO DENIED STATEHOOD TO KEEP NUMBER OF STATES NICE AND ROUND AT 50

GENERAL SHERMAN BURNS WHITE TRASH'S TRASH TO THE GROUND

GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER INVENTS PEANUTCILLIN

SHOT HEARD ROUND THE WORLD, ACTUALLY ONLY HEARD ABOUT 100 YARDS AWAY 

JAPAN NEGOTIATES ITSELF THE LAST TO BE WIPED OUT, BY ALLYING WITH WHITE SUPREMECISTS

EUNUCH REGRETS DECISION AND WANTS HIS BALLS BACK

TEDDY ROOSEVELT OBSESSED WITH "BULLY" AFTER GRADESCHOOL BEATDOWN

HENRY FORD ACCIDENTLY RUNS OVER JEW WITH PROTOTYPE AUTO, EARNS ANTI-SEMITIC LABEL

DISNEY ACCIDENTLY KILLS JEW ON MATTERHORN, EARNS ANTI-SEMITIC LABEL

HITLER ACCIDENTLY EUTHANIZES 6 MILLION JEWS, EARNS ANTI-SEMITIC LABEL

ARCHAELOGIST COMPLETES TIANIC'S MAIDEN VOYAGE AFTER PULLING UP BARNACLE ENCRUSTED PIECE OF HULL

IRELAND CECEDES A LITTLE FROM GREAT BRITAIN WITH EACH AND EVERY MAILBOX BOMB

SHEEP CLONED BY SHEEP-F%$KERS

BLIND CRUSADERS FIND THE HOLY BRAILLE

CAPTAIN HOOK CIRCUMNAVIGATES THE WORLD, CAPTAIN COOK HAS SWORD BATTLE WITH PETER PAN

PYRAMID CONSTRUCTION GOAL MET BY ADDITION OF EXTRATERRESTRIAL CONTRACTORS

PONCE DE LEON SEARCHES FOR FOUNTAIN OF YUTES

VLAD THE UNIMPALER HELPS REMOVE STRUGGLING TURKS FROM PIKES

MONGOLOIDS STOPPED BY GREAT WALL OF CHINA

VENETIANS COME TO TERMS WITH STREET FLOODING ISSUE

FIRST OF COUNTLESS MILLIONS OF AMERICANS POINT AND LAUGH AT "LEANING TOWER OF PIZZA"

RENNAISANCE DENIZENS INVENT TERM "PRE-RENNAISANCE MAN"

JESUS WRONGLY ACCUSES PETER OF BETRAYAL AT LAST SUPPER

CAVEMAN STRUGGLES TO MASTURBATE TO CAVE DRAWING, TORCH IN OFF HAND

GOD ENDOWS SMELLY DESERT DWELLERS WITH WORLD'S PETROLEUM RESERVES

DRUIDS WHACK TROLLS TO KEEP SECRET, AFTER COMPLETION OF STONEHENGE

CHINESE FIRST TO INVENT GUNPOWDER, LAST TO INVENT THE FORK

QUICK HEADLINES

EXISTENCE OF MODERN DAY APES HAILED AS "GLARING MISCALCULATION" FOR EVOLUTION THEORISTS

NON-POISONOUS SNAKE CUT INTO PIECES AS IF IT WERE KILLER COBRA

ALZHEIMER SUFFERING WWII VET STILL WONDERING WHERE PETEY FINNEGAN'S LEGS WENT

MAN HEROICALLY STOPS BULLET WITH CHEST

CHICKENS THROW BABY FETUSES AT LOCAL "STICK-IN-THE-MUD'S" HOUSE

NATIVE HOPES KING KONG IS DOING WELL AFTER CHASING THOSE WHITE PEOPLE A FEW YEARS AGO

BOOGER STUCK TO FLAILING FINGER, CAR BEHIND GETTING CONFLICTING SIGNALS

CHILD ENSLAVER IN SIERRA LEONE WINS INHUMANITARIAN OF THE YEAR AWARD

MOTHER NATURE CALLS  BATTERED WOMEN'S SHELTER

SHADOW SPOOKS LOCAL BLONDE

COLLEGE STUDENTS FOOD BUDGET SPENT ON WEED, RAMEN NOODLES IMMINENT

"FATHER'S DAY" OFFICIALLY CHANGED TO "BABY DADDY'S DAY"

PING PONG PADDLE WHACKED ACROSS BACK OF CHINESE GUY'S HEAD

AREA MAN WONDERS WHY BEST FRIEND BOUGHT A PINK BILLIARD TABLE

ZULU'S FINALLY WIN WAR WITH ENGLAND IN EARLY 2010 SNEAK ATTACK

SUICIDE WATCH NO LONGER NECCESSARY AFTER GUARDIAN'S SHORT JAUNT TO STARBUCK'S 

PARACHUTING GUITARIST PULLS RIFF CHORD

BLACK SUSPECT BEATEN WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS WIFE

UNSUCCESSFUL SUICIDE BOMBER DIES OF OLD AGE

BEAR CAN'T FIND ANYTHING GOOD IN VEGAN'S TRASH BARREL

SUPERBALL TAKES OUT GRANDMA

GAZELLE, LEAST FAVORITE JELLY IN WILDLIFE PRESERVES

OSCAR BUZZ CENTRAL

Here it is loyal readers, the predictions for the 82nd annual Academy Awards for 2009.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

 

(Pictured:  Waltz as Col. Hans Landa choking a Jew just out of screenshot)

The first is Christoph Waltz, for INGLORIUS BASTERDS, the Tarantino war epic in which he portrays a Nazi psycopath.  Waltz is hailed as the best performance by a German psychopath since Adolf Hitler and will follow up his Cannes Festival Best Actor win with a less than honorable Best Supporting Oscar win at the Academy awards, even though his screen time more than doubled Brad Pitt's in the film. Waltz amazed all audiences with his portrayal of Col. Hans Landa  in four different languages; English, German, Congoese, and Episcopalian

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

(Pictured:  Mo'nique in the famous "happy ending" scene in SOULPLANE)

Our prediction for Best Supporting Actress is Mo'nique, the actress known best for her non-oscar nominated roles in SOULPLANE and PHAT GIRLS.  Her dramatic role in the film PRECIOUS will in turn give her an oscar win for doughnut-monster of the year. Mo'nique has her own talk show on the BET Network, which features many guests and far better actors like Denzel Washington, Sidney Poitier and Jamie Foxx.  Mo'nique lost her weave for the role of a poor abusive mother to a teen out of control, but not her impressive, fake painted fingernails.

BEST ACTRESS

(Pictured:  That new black chick in that one movie where her mom kick's the crap out of her)

For best Actress we have newcomer Gaborney Shaba.. Sharbi... Sade.. oh, who am I kidding?  She really needed a stage name!  Also, from the film PRECIOUS, G.S. portrays the title character who is impregnated by her father and abused by her mother.  Why they cast a black actress in a movie about Appalachian inbreeding is beyond me, maybe that's why she's gonna get a gold statue? Joan Rivers awaits with baited breath on what's she's going to wear on the red carpet, and just how many bolts of cloth it's going to take.
It's going to be interesting to see the presenters trying to say her name!

BEST ACTOR

(Pictured:  Jeff Bridge's less talented brother, Beau Bridges, star of one of the many STARGATE series)

The only definite winner this year is Jeff Bridges for his portrayal of a country singer in the film CRAZY HEART.  He is a struggling alcoholic and singer, and so is the character he portrays in the film.  He is the forerunner for Best Performance by an Offspring of a Non-Oscar winner. He follows his nomination this year with his 1976 nomination for the KING KONG remake and his portrayal of Flynn in TRON, a role he is reprising in a new sequel of the 1982 Disney classic.  He was also nominated for a movie about an alien idiot that comes to earth... E.T. ,I think it was?


BEST PICTURE

(Pictured: Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington after they've been bastardized by a Unix 5,000 CGI processing computer, the same computer to which Andy Serkis is clearly addicted. )

James Cameron's AVATAR is going to win by sheer box office dollar power.  Six years ago LOTR: RETURN OF THE KING showed us that a huge 31/2 hour, CGI driven film could win best picture with synthetic actors and sets which only exist in cyberspace.  With a lackluster script stolen from DANCES WITH WOLVES, AVATAR is voted by all in the academy as a cornerstone in movie making.  James Cameron could also walk away with BEST DIRECTOR, his first since TITANIC... come to think of it, that was his last film and it was 13 years ago, talk about resting on your laurels. All he's done since then was DARK ANGEL, and well,  it did give us Jessica Alba, right? I mean, even Peter Jackson followed LOTR with KING KONG almost immediately. I guess that's the difference between a Kiwi and a stuck-up American Boob.

(Pictured below:  Cliff Klaven, from CHEERS, tries to get an alien's scrawl on an eviction notice in DISTRICT 9)

AVATAR'S direct competiton is DISTRICT 9, a 31/2 hour CGI driven film, also with synthetic actors and sets that only exist in South Africa.  This film stole the whole APARTHEID thing and watered it down by making aliens the target of white prejudice, instead of black people.  The black people were still the bad guys in the film, however, portrayed as black-market Nigerian gun runners, who practice voodoo and devour the flesh of the aliens in order to get their powers. I'm glad the screenwriters put facts in to support an otherwise fictional reality.
The annoying South African accent of the main character definitely needs subtitles, for this film to be really enjoyed, or understood.  Despite an amazing performance, he was snubbed in the best actor nominations race, because nobody in the academy could tell what he was saying.

The other nominees are bleeding heart stories about Iraq and disposing of bombs, or some crap like that, and not 3 1/2 hour sci-fi ass-kicking epics!

BEST DIRECTOR

(Pictured:  Tarantino's reaction to not receiving his Oscar win for PULP FICTION)

All I need to say is TARANTINO, beeoches!  His film INGLORIUS BASTERDS is a masterpiece of witty situations in which subtitles build the tension and don't in any way take away from the compelling story on the screen.  The strange mishmash of characters make IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD look like a primer on doing chores around the house.  He missed his statue with PULP FICTION and the movies between these two films were cool, but not Oscar worthy by any stretch of the imagination.  We here at the WRONG HANDS NEWS want to see him walk away with the Oscar, if only just to see his fragmented and non-sensical acceptance speech.