THE HURT LOCKER DEFEATS AVATAR IN BEST PICTURE RACE

     James Cameron's epic future war film is dwarfed and over shadowed by a much more unimportant conflict, the war in Iraq.  THE HURT LOCKER ran away with the Oscar for BEST PICTURE of 2009, leaving the colorful, vibrant world of AVATAR in a cloud of sandy despair.  The academy members overlooked the years of work, CGI achievements and creative imaginings for a film about three soldiers trying to beat each other up in their barracks after a drinking binge.  A two hour film about defusing bombs takes out the most successful film ever made, with a compelling story and terrific acting by a squad of nobodys, of which none had a CGI version of himself in the same film with his actual self.
     Incredible blue versions of the actors fly across the screen on their linked flying creatures, while a bunch of sweaty, sandy C and D students try to keep themselves alive by cutting the same wire on the same bomb for two hours straight.  AVATAR has incredible actors such as: Sigourney Weaver, Stephen Lang and Giovanni Ribisi.  THE HURT LOCKER's only famous actor, Guy Pearce, is blown to hell in the first ten minutes.
     Nominated for best actor, Jeremy Renner, portrays a soldier on the edge, and frightfully similar to the soldier on the edge he played in 28 WEEKS LATER, or the ex-SWAT member on the edge he portrayed in S.W.A.T. (which had Michelle Rodriguez, the surprise character, the gutsy female pilot in AVATAR.)  Renner first came to fame portraying the serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer in the film of the same name.  In this film, he portrayed a killer on the edge.  Renner is in talks to portray the bow and arrow wielding super-hero, Hawkeye in the upcoming AVENGERS movie.  In this film, he'll play a super-hero on the edge.  Renner's best scene is when he finds a bomb sewn into the body of a child he thinks is one of his friends.  The scene is extremely well acted, and the follow-up scene when he realizes it was the wrong kid, and his friend is still alive, is blown off as if the first scene never happened.  He also has many scenes in which he drinks and punches people.
     Kathryn Bigelow, THE HURT LOCKER's director, used to be married to James Cameron, director of AVATAR, in real life.  Her Oscar for Best Director of 2009 would've been a knife in Cameron's back if he hadn't already won in 1997 for TITANIC, along with Best Picture that year.  Bigelow's win didn't phase Cameron in the slightest, since AVATAR has made a billion dollars and THE HURT LOCKER made people say, "What? Never heard of that one." TITANIC had been the previous most successful movie ever made before AVATAR, so who really won academy members, hmmm?

QUICK HEADLINES FROM AN ALTERNATE REALITY

SANTA CLAUS MYTH FINALLY LAID TO REST

OBAMA FINALLY PAROLLED AFTER 26 YEARS

PILOT OF "ENOLA GAY" VISITS HIROSHIMA BOMBSITE

MARILYN MANSON RECEIVES WALMART EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

PLANET'S AXIS SHIFTS FOR THIRD TIME THIS MONTH

CATHOLIC CHURCH EXPUNGES FINAL PEDERAST FROM RANKS

SNEEZE GUARD HUGELY UNSUCCESSFUL IN STOPPING KILLER VIRUS

CUSTOMER REALIZES HIS "MOO GOO GAI-PAN" IS ACTUALLY DOG

ADAM CORROLLA KING OF THE "ALL SHAVING CHANNEL"

ALIENS PROUDLY LAND ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN, WORLD REJOICES (ALTERNATE REALITY ONE)

ALIENS HOLD OFF TANKS AND MISSILES FROM UNITED EARTH DEFENSE FORCE ON WHITE HOUSE LAWN (ALTERNATE REALITY TWO)

ALIENS LAND IN THE MIDDLE OF MAIN STREET IN SPEEDBUMP, ARKANSAS (ALTERNATE REALITY THREE)

NELSON MANDELA EUTHANIZES 3 MILLION AFTER U.S. GRAIN EMBARGO

SECOND THOUGHT HITS NEIGHBOR'S MIND JUST BEFORE DRAINO IS PUT INTO HAMBURGER PATTY

KFC LAUNCHES IT'S ALL BEEF CHICKEN STRIPS

WATER DEEMED UNHEALTHY TO BREATHE

MARIJUANA LEGALIZED IN EVERY STATE WITHOUT VOWELS  IN IT'S NAME

FIRST EVER DUMPSTER BABY SHOCKS NATION

SPOCK'S BEARD APPEARS ON EVERY GOOD GUY IN MOVIES AND T.V.

JERRY SPRINGER'S RALLYING SPEECH AT NUREMBURG HAS TRAILER TRASH MOTIVATED FOR WAR

POPE REACHES LEVEL 70 IN CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 2

KING TUT'S CRAP SOLD ON EBAY TO FINANCE TERRORIST ARMS DEAL

COLD WAR REACHES NEW LEVEL WHEN RUSSIA GIVES ALL IT'S MISSILES TO AFGHANS

LEBANON, JEWEL OF THE MIDDLE EAST, NO.1 TOURIST ATTRACTION

U.S. NAVY FINALLY SINKS ICEBERG WHICH TOOK OUT THE TITANIC

ONLY THE SHITIEST  PARTS OF CALIFORNIA FALL INTO THE OCEAN

SATELLITE T.V. REPLACED BY INTERNET FINALLY

  

COD: MODERN WARFARE 2 DELAYS CANCER CURE

     Infinity Ward, the creators of the newest addition to the Call of Duty series, Modern Warfare 2,  have successfully delayed the cure for cancer once again.  The intense multiplayer action has kept scientists at the world's most advanced cancer research labs from reaching that goal.  Most of these scientists have stopped their stem cell research and gene therapy, in order to unlock all of the awesome weapons and abilities for their various loadouts and to reach that coveted level 70 and the glorious Prestige Mode which follows.

     The nefarious company delayed the research a few years back with the first Modern Warfare game and succeeded to delay the cure even furthur with COD: World at War, which quickly followed.  Steve Forbush, lead producer for Infinity Ward said, "We knew we had to follow up quickly with COD: WAW because cancer was begining to lose it's foothold on the infirmed of the various nations around the world.  The distraction of Modern Warfare was not enough, we needed a quick follow-up."

     As WAW continued with it's multiplayer success, with very few points allotted to reach new levels much more slowly than before. It's mini-game, Nazi-Zombies seemed like the next logical step to distract the learned professors.  A small game which pits four players in a two-story, bombed out building, they must hold off wave after wave of zombies dressed like WWII german soldiers.  The success of this mini-game was a sure fire indication that cancer was here to stay.  Infinity Ward then continued to add on different and more complex levels to this mini-game in order to sound the death knell to any scientific gain on the various cancers which plague mankind.

     But, it's popularity began to wane, and cancer was in danger of becoming extinct once again.  Then, came Modern Warfare 2.  Breast and prostate cancer were on the chopping block, when the teasers for MW2 began to surface and the scientific minds picked up the first MW to brush up on their skills in anticipation of it's release.  The mediocre single player story paled in comparison to the fragfest that is the multiplayer mode.  Electron-microscopes were left to gather dust, as players tried to unlock the thermal sniper scopes in order to snipe across maps, or get the dual P-90's to deal double-barreled death.

     Months later, scientists achieving level 70 and Prestige Mode completely forgot why they were even in a cold laboratory looking for ways to stop malignant cells and tumors.  Infinity Ward had completed it's work in ensuring that cancer would be here to stay.

A side note, the new multiplayer mode of Bioshock 2 actually has a power (plasmid) where you give the other player's avatar cancer.  This game is not an Infinity Ward product, at least not that we know. 

    (Pictured:  A player in BIOSHOCK 2 about to give his opponent Prostate or Esophagial Cancer)