Los Ageles, CA. - Lucasfilm magnate, George Lucas, has announced his intention to furthur distance himself from his fans with the newest addition to the STAR WARS universe, the "Sequels". The events of these three films will include the reintroduction of the Galactic Republic, the Jedi Knights and the adolescent life of the twin offspring of Princess Leia and Han Solo. These twins will be trained by their uncle, Luke Skywalker, in a grand reintroduction of the Jedi Knights.
Lucas's plan to distance himself includes many facets, including the addition of a Jar Jar Binks like character, a small green furred, pink-tongued monstrosity named Bilonkobu, This creature has eight tiny legs and talks like an idiot-savant with marbles in his mouth. Bilonkobu will be in virtually every scene and will intentionally take away from the tension in the scene by doing idiotic things in the background while the main characters are trying to advance the plot.
He also intends to continue his stream of idiotic names for his newest characters similar to his previous ones such as; Kit Fisto, Sleazebaggano and Gnute Gunray. Some names he is throwing around are; Clemetine Maru, Baggsleazanno, Honkus Victorius, Darth Petunias, and Kletus Gorm. His usual maquette makers at the Skywalker Ranch facility will, of course, meld three or four maquettes together to get the look of these new characters.
Lucas also enjoys making up planets based on one topographical feature or weather pattern. We look forward to the all nitrogen planet, the junkyard full of CFC's planet and the planet that's one big pear. He also informed us that the asteroids in these movies will look nothing like the previous asteroids in former films.
He has also informed us of the various scenes in which the dead jedi will return, including a climactic battle of the dead jedi and the dead sith from the previous films. This battle will include Hayden Christiansen having a light saber duel with the guy who played the older Anakin Skywalker in RETURN OF THE JEDI. It will also include the two different puppet Yodas joining forces with the CGI Yoda in the main battle sequence.
A new sequence was recently added in which Boba Fett bursts forth from the stomach of the Sarlacc creature on Tatooine. We, as an audience, are asked to ignore the fact that it's now 16 years later and he didn't die of starvation or lack of water. We also see him revisit an unresolved plot point; his father Jango's severed head and how he vows revenge, even though Mace Windu, the jedi who severed it, is already dead.
Pre-production has already begun, as well as casting major actors such as; Kelsey Grammer as the new jedi master, John Ratzenberger as the guy who yells "Proton torpedos away!" and Kirstie Alley reprising her role as Lt. Saavik. CGI planning at Industrial Light and magic (ILM) is working around the clock to get the creatures, ships and planetscapes ready, as well as how to figure out how to CGI Carrie Fisher into her old body from a motion capture suit.
When asked about the older actors reprising their roles for Luke, Han and Leia, Lucas just sighed and sipped some green tea out of a General Grievous mug.
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