HEADLINES THROUGHOUT HISTORY

NATIVE AMERICAN GENOCIDIST GETS FACE ON $20 BILL

CAVEMAN DROPS ROCK ON FOOT, INVENTS PAIN

BOOTHE UTTERS "SICK TEMPERED MERMANUS" AFTER HE SHOOTS LINCOLN

LOYAL ORDER OF WATER BUFFALOS SPAWNS NEW GROUP:  THE FREEMASONS

U.S. OBSESSED WITH THE 49TH PARALLEL IN IT'S OWN COUNTRY AS WELL AS KOREA

PUERTO RICO DENIED STATEHOOD TO KEEP NUMBER OF STATES NICE AND ROUND AT 50

GENERAL SHERMAN BURNS WHITE TRASH'S TRASH TO THE GROUND

GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER INVENTS PEANUTCILLIN

SHOT HEARD ROUND THE WORLD, ACTUALLY ONLY HEARD ABOUT 100 YARDS AWAY 

JAPAN NEGOTIATES ITSELF THE LAST TO BE WIPED OUT, BY ALLYING WITH WHITE SUPREMECISTS

EUNUCH REGRETS DECISION AND WANTS HIS BALLS BACK

TEDDY ROOSEVELT OBSESSED WITH "BULLY" AFTER GRADESCHOOL BEATDOWN

HENRY FORD ACCIDENTLY RUNS OVER JEW WITH PROTOTYPE AUTO, EARNS ANTI-SEMITIC LABEL

DISNEY ACCIDENTLY KILLS JEW ON MATTERHORN, EARNS ANTI-SEMITIC LABEL

HITLER ACCIDENTLY EUTHANIZES 6 MILLION JEWS, EARNS ANTI-SEMITIC LABEL

ARCHAELOGIST COMPLETES TIANIC'S MAIDEN VOYAGE AFTER PULLING UP BARNACLE ENCRUSTED PIECE OF HULL

IRELAND CECEDES A LITTLE FROM GREAT BRITAIN WITH EACH AND EVERY MAILBOX BOMB

SHEEP CLONED BY SHEEP-F%$KERS

BLIND CRUSADERS FIND THE HOLY BRAILLE

CAPTAIN HOOK CIRCUMNAVIGATES THE WORLD, CAPTAIN COOK HAS SWORD BATTLE WITH PETER PAN

PYRAMID CONSTRUCTION GOAL MET BY ADDITION OF EXTRATERRESTRIAL CONTRACTORS

PONCE DE LEON SEARCHES FOR FOUNTAIN OF YUTES

VLAD THE UNIMPALER HELPS REMOVE STRUGGLING TURKS FROM PIKES

MONGOLOIDS STOPPED BY GREAT WALL OF CHINA

VENETIANS COME TO TERMS WITH STREET FLOODING ISSUE

FIRST OF COUNTLESS MILLIONS OF AMERICANS POINT AND LAUGH AT "LEANING TOWER OF PIZZA"

RENNAISANCE DENIZENS INVENT TERM "PRE-RENNAISANCE MAN"

JESUS WRONGLY ACCUSES PETER OF BETRAYAL AT LAST SUPPER

CAVEMAN STRUGGLES TO MASTURBATE TO CAVE DRAWING, TORCH IN OFF HAND

GOD ENDOWS SMELLY DESERT DWELLERS WITH WORLD'S PETROLEUM RESERVES

DRUIDS WHACK TROLLS TO KEEP SECRET, AFTER COMPLETION OF STONEHENGE

CHINESE FIRST TO INVENT GUNPOWDER, LAST TO INVENT THE FORK

QUICK HEADLINES

EXISTENCE OF MODERN DAY APES HAILED AS "GLARING MISCALCULATION" FOR EVOLUTION THEORISTS

NON-POISONOUS SNAKE CUT INTO PIECES AS IF IT WERE KILLER COBRA

ALZHEIMER SUFFERING WWII VET STILL WONDERING WHERE PETEY FINNEGAN'S LEGS WENT

MAN HEROICALLY STOPS BULLET WITH CHEST

CHICKENS THROW BABY FETUSES AT LOCAL "STICK-IN-THE-MUD'S" HOUSE

NATIVE HOPES KING KONG IS DOING WELL AFTER CHASING THOSE WHITE PEOPLE A FEW YEARS AGO

BOOGER STUCK TO FLAILING FINGER, CAR BEHIND GETTING CONFLICTING SIGNALS

CHILD ENSLAVER IN SIERRA LEONE WINS INHUMANITARIAN OF THE YEAR AWARD

MOTHER NATURE CALLS  BATTERED WOMEN'S SHELTER

SHADOW SPOOKS LOCAL BLONDE

COLLEGE STUDENTS FOOD BUDGET SPENT ON WEED, RAMEN NOODLES IMMINENT

"FATHER'S DAY" OFFICIALLY CHANGED TO "BABY DADDY'S DAY"

PING PONG PADDLE WHACKED ACROSS BACK OF CHINESE GUY'S HEAD

AREA MAN WONDERS WHY BEST FRIEND BOUGHT A PINK BILLIARD TABLE

ZULU'S FINALLY WIN WAR WITH ENGLAND IN EARLY 2010 SNEAK ATTACK

SUICIDE WATCH NO LONGER NECCESSARY AFTER GUARDIAN'S SHORT JAUNT TO STARBUCK'S 

PARACHUTING GUITARIST PULLS RIFF CHORD

BLACK SUSPECT BEATEN WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS WIFE

UNSUCCESSFUL SUICIDE BOMBER DIES OF OLD AGE

BEAR CAN'T FIND ANYTHING GOOD IN VEGAN'S TRASH BARREL

SUPERBALL TAKES OUT GRANDMA

GAZELLE, LEAST FAVORITE JELLY IN WILDLIFE PRESERVES

OSCAR BUZZ CENTRAL

Here it is loyal readers, the predictions for the 82nd annual Academy Awards for 2009.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

 

(Pictured:  Waltz as Col. Hans Landa choking a Jew just out of screenshot)

The first is Christoph Waltz, for INGLORIUS BASTERDS, the Tarantino war epic in which he portrays a Nazi psycopath.  Waltz is hailed as the best performance by a German psychopath since Adolf Hitler and will follow up his Cannes Festival Best Actor win with a less than honorable Best Supporting Oscar win at the Academy awards, even though his screen time more than doubled Brad Pitt's in the film. Waltz amazed all audiences with his portrayal of Col. Hans Landa  in four different languages; English, German, Congoese, and Episcopalian

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

(Pictured:  Mo'nique in the famous "happy ending" scene in SOULPLANE)

Our prediction for Best Supporting Actress is Mo'nique, the actress known best for her non-oscar nominated roles in SOULPLANE and PHAT GIRLS.  Her dramatic role in the film PRECIOUS will in turn give her an oscar win for doughnut-monster of the year. Mo'nique has her own talk show on the BET Network, which features many guests and far better actors like Denzel Washington, Sidney Poitier and Jamie Foxx.  Mo'nique lost her weave for the role of a poor abusive mother to a teen out of control, but not her impressive, fake painted fingernails.

BEST ACTRESS

(Pictured:  That new black chick in that one movie where her mom kick's the crap out of her)

For best Actress we have newcomer Gaborney Shaba.. Sharbi... Sade.. oh, who am I kidding?  She really needed a stage name!  Also, from the film PRECIOUS, G.S. portrays the title character who is impregnated by her father and abused by her mother.  Why they cast a black actress in a movie about Appalachian inbreeding is beyond me, maybe that's why she's gonna get a gold statue? Joan Rivers awaits with baited breath on what's she's going to wear on the red carpet, and just how many bolts of cloth it's going to take.
It's going to be interesting to see the presenters trying to say her name!

BEST ACTOR

(Pictured:  Jeff Bridge's less talented brother, Beau Bridges, star of one of the many STARGATE series)

The only definite winner this year is Jeff Bridges for his portrayal of a country singer in the film CRAZY HEART.  He is a struggling alcoholic and singer, and so is the character he portrays in the film.  He is the forerunner for Best Performance by an Offspring of a Non-Oscar winner. He follows his nomination this year with his 1976 nomination for the KING KONG remake and his portrayal of Flynn in TRON, a role he is reprising in a new sequel of the 1982 Disney classic.  He was also nominated for a movie about an alien idiot that comes to earth... E.T. ,I think it was?


BEST PICTURE

(Pictured: Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington after they've been bastardized by a Unix 5,000 CGI processing computer, the same computer to which Andy Serkis is clearly addicted. )

James Cameron's AVATAR is going to win by sheer box office dollar power.  Six years ago LOTR: RETURN OF THE KING showed us that a huge 31/2 hour, CGI driven film could win best picture with synthetic actors and sets which only exist in cyberspace.  With a lackluster script stolen from DANCES WITH WOLVES, AVATAR is voted by all in the academy as a cornerstone in movie making.  James Cameron could also walk away with BEST DIRECTOR, his first since TITANIC... come to think of it, that was his last film and it was 13 years ago, talk about resting on your laurels. All he's done since then was DARK ANGEL, and well,  it did give us Jessica Alba, right? I mean, even Peter Jackson followed LOTR with KING KONG almost immediately. I guess that's the difference between a Kiwi and a stuck-up American Boob.

(Pictured below:  Cliff Klaven, from CHEERS, tries to get an alien's scrawl on an eviction notice in DISTRICT 9)

AVATAR'S direct competiton is DISTRICT 9, a 31/2 hour CGI driven film, also with synthetic actors and sets that only exist in South Africa.  This film stole the whole APARTHEID thing and watered it down by making aliens the target of white prejudice, instead of black people.  The black people were still the bad guys in the film, however, portrayed as black-market Nigerian gun runners, who practice voodoo and devour the flesh of the aliens in order to get their powers. I'm glad the screenwriters put facts in to support an otherwise fictional reality.
The annoying South African accent of the main character definitely needs subtitles, for this film to be really enjoyed, or understood.  Despite an amazing performance, he was snubbed in the best actor nominations race, because nobody in the academy could tell what he was saying.

The other nominees are bleeding heart stories about Iraq and disposing of bombs, or some crap like that, and not 3 1/2 hour sci-fi ass-kicking epics!

BEST DIRECTOR

(Pictured:  Tarantino's reaction to not receiving his Oscar win for PULP FICTION)

All I need to say is TARANTINO, beeoches!  His film INGLORIUS BASTERDS is a masterpiece of witty situations in which subtitles build the tension and don't in any way take away from the compelling story on the screen.  The strange mishmash of characters make IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD look like a primer on doing chores around the house.  He missed his statue with PULP FICTION and the movies between these two films were cool, but not Oscar worthy by any stretch of the imagination.  We here at the WRONG HANDS NEWS want to see him walk away with the Oscar, if only just to see his fragmented and non-sensical acceptance speech.

HEADLINES FROM THE FUTURE

Headlines from the future is a weekly compilation of headlines from various news agencies around the world.
We have obtained these headlines through various methods of time travel and psychic mediums.

MAN PLACES ROBOT'S BRAIN INTO HIS HEAD

TIME TRAVEL SETS TECHNOLOGY BACK 500 YEARS

COCKROACH CALENDAR GOES WAY BEYOND 2012

150 YEARS OF EXTENZE ABUSE CAUSES RISE IN PENIS REDUCTION INDUSTRY

WALT DISNEY DEFROSTED ON WRONG MICROWAVE SETTING

STAR TREK EPISODES BEGIN TO AIR ON THE HISTORY CHANNEL

GHOSTHUNTERS 2379 FINALLY FIND SOMETHING

GPS UNIT UPRISING FINALLY QUELLED

LASER BLASTER FOUND IN LOCAL TEEN'S LOCKER AT SCHOOL

FINAL COALITION SOLDIER LEAVES IRAQ AFTER 95 YEARS

LINCOLN CLONED, FIRST TWO TERM PRESIDENT WITH 220 YEAR GAP BETWEEN TERMS

BORDER FORCEFIELD CIRCUMVENTED BY MEXICAN ANDROIDS

N-WORD ENTERS SMITHSONIAN

FLYING CAR CRASHES INTO MCDONALDS DRIVE-THRU

BIONIC DOG BITES E-MAILMAN

TEXAS-SIZED ASTEROID APPROACHES EARTH, COUNTRIES JOIN TOGETHER FOR GOODBYE PARTY

GREENPEACE FINALLY GETS FUNDING TO STOP RAPERS OF MARS

MEMORIAL ERECTED FOR VETERANS OF THE PSYCHIC WARS

HOLOGRAPHIC CONSTRUCTION WORKER FILES FOR WORKMAN'S COMP

MAGNETIC RAILGUN FOUND IN CONNECTION WITH LAST WEEK'S DRIVE-BY SHOOTING

DOLPHINS DEVELOP OPPOSABLE THUMBS, MAN STEPS DOWN AS DOMINANT LIFEFORM

LIGHTSPEED BARRIER BROKEN, LIGHTSPEED LAG A MILLION TIMES WORSE THAN JETLAG

OWENS-CORNING DEVELOPS OZONE SHIELDS FOR THE HOMEOWNER

GOLFER'S SHRIVELED BAG CAUGHT IN BALL WASHER

(The guilty ball washer near Hole 15 at Paloma Sands Golf Resort)

     Miami, FL - Around 2pm, George Dunowitz  66,  was ready to tee off on his fairway approach to the 16th hole at Paloma Sands Golf Resort, when he noticed his ball(s) was(were) dirty.  He then approached a green ball washer just west of the tee off area and proceeded to wash his ball(s) in order to get the finest performance out of his next drive on the par 5 hole.
     Dunowitz could not reach the ball washer easily and he then proceeded to pull a nearby picnic table closer to the washer.  Standing on the picnic table, he then proceeded to place his ball(s) in the plunger area of the washer and with an up and down motion on the plunger he washed the green skidmarks from his ball(s).  He said, later, that he felt as if he was cleansing a great burden from his ball(s) and he could play through the rest of the day unhindered by any stains left by the course.  The other golfers later explained that Dunowitz was taking way too long to clean his ball(s) and they called out to him to "hurry up they were wasting daylight".
     It was then that the unthinkable happened.  Dunowitz slipped on the picnic table and fell off to the side of the ball washer, but he did not hit the ground.  Instsead, he was suspended by his grey, shriveled bag caught in the twisted mechanism of the green montrosity which held him in it's watery grip. The other golfers ran to him and saw his precarious situation that Dunhowitz now found himself in.
     He was hanging, suspended halfway to the ground, his crotch facing towards the washer and his old, grey bag caught in the plunger and stretched to the breaking point. His face was contorted and red, as if his bag was being ripped from his body.  The other golfers tried to free him, but his sack was caught tightly in the plunger and the weight of Dunowitz's body was keeping the stretched bag taught and hard to free from the washer.
     One of the other golfers, Ralph "Red" Peters, decided to lift Dunowitz in order to give his stretched out sack some slack and perhaps they could free him with this new plan. Two of his friends lifted Dunowitz and another tried to pull up on the plunger to free his ball(s).  With a few quick jerks on the ball washer's plunger, the bag finally came free and Dunowitz fell to the ground., relieved from the pain of the sack's leathery skin being stretched beyond imagination.  
     Even though his balls were indeed clean, the damage to his bag had been done.  Dunowitz decided to end the day of golfing and return home to put ice onto his injured area.  When asked about the experience all he had to say was, "Thank god my testicles weren't caught in that thing! My MacGregor golf bag will never be the same."

QUICK HEADLINES

STAR WARS AND STAR TREK MERGE INTO ONE PROPERTY, SINCE NON-FANS DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE ANYWAY

AREA WOODWORKER LACQUERED UP AFTER ALL NIGHT BENDER

DOG FART RUINS RENTED ROMANTIC COMEDY DVD NIGHT

ANGUS YOUNG ADDS FIFTH GUITAR CHORD TO REPETOIRE

GOTH CHICK LOOKS ATTRACTIVE IN A CERTAIN KIND OF DARKNESS

VIKINGS FIRST TO CRUSH THE HOPES AND DREAMS OF NATIVE AMERICANS, FOSSIL RECORD SAYS

CHRISTMAS COOKIE PUT DOWN FRONT OF PANTS WHILE NOBODY IS LOOKING

WHITE DWARF ENTERS PLANETARIUM AT CHILDREN'S ADMISSION PRICE

ROCK GROUP'S NO. 1 FAN SPENDS DRUM SOLO IN RESTROOM

SAME DOG THAT JUMPS IN POOL, NEEDS TO BE TRANQUILIZED TO TAKE BATH

CHANCE OF KINDLE BEING DROPPED IN TOILET, GOOD

NAMESAKE GYM TEACHER, LEONARD SKINNARD, OUTLIVES ALL BAND MEMBERS

CARNIVAL NO LONGER HIRING FREAKS APPARENTLY

DAD SCREAMS AT FAMILY ABOUT SOMETHING CALLED A THERMOSTAT

FEAR THAT BUTTON ON DOORBELL IS GONE AND ONLY LIVE WIRES REMAIN, FINALLY REALIZED

GUM UNDER TABLE PLAYED WITH DURING BORING CONVERSATION

CONGRESS FORBIDS GEICO FROM HAVING ANY MORE MASCOTS

YOUR ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE UPDATE

     DALLAS, TX - Hordes of ravenous zombies have stopped traffic on the George W. Bush highway in the middle of morning rush hour, looking for people to snack upon.  The usual traffic delays have been extended, the cause being many half eaten corpses, themselves beginning to rise and search for victims also.

     PARIS, FRANCE - zombies have overtaken the lifts and the restaurant situated inside the Eiffel Tower.

S.W.A.T. members of the french police have fired from circling helicopters trying to eradicate the zombie masses searching for tourists to eat.  The Louvre has been sealed, but may contain as much as 60 zombies left to their own accord inside the famous museum.

     LITTLETON, CO - Zombies began to infiltrate Columbine High School unhindered, and consumed the entire student body and staff due to the school's strict gun enforcement policy.  As a result, the rest of the nation's high school students are now encouraged to bring firearms to school with them.

     COMPTON, CA - zombies infiltrated a clinic for crack addicted, homeless people.  Police and S.W.A.T. gave up on trying to determine which were the crackheads and which were the zombies and decided to be safe and just shoot everyone inside the building.

     GRAND CANYON, AZ. - Numerous zombies appraoched the rim of the Grand Canyon and fell in.

     MACMURDO STATION, ANARCTICA - zombies ran amok and ate everyone and are now lost in a whiteout on their way to the next station.

     DISNEYLAND TOKYO, JAPAN - Police fire many rounds into animated pirates believing them to be zombies.  They were sure that one of them looked like Johnny Depp.

     NEWARK, NJ - zombies trying to eat the living are repeatedly told to "go f%$k themselves!" or to "go f%$k their mothers!"

     IDIANAPOLIS, IN - zombies trying to cross the famous racetrack to get to their corpulent victims are run down by cars doing over 200 mph.

     AREA 51, NEVADA - zombies are stopped by armed men in mysterious white SUV's and are turned away.  This area may be the source of the zombie virus, but cannot be confirmed at this time.

     AUSTIN, TX - zombies make the mistake of infiltrating a monster truck show parking lot full of rednecks with gunracks in their 4X4's.

     TACOMA, WA - clever wheelchair bound zombie eats his own useless legs.

     PITTSBURGH, PA - director George Romero is finally eaten by zombies, enjoying every rip and tear of flesh from his body.

(YOUR ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE UPDATE is a weekly column written by a group of reporters travelling cross country.  The group started out with 15, but is now down to 4.  Steve was forced to shoot Rita in the head and only 2 hours after being bitten in Scranton, PA) 

    

           

Quick Headlines

GHENGIS KHAN DESCENDANT SEES GREAT WALL FROM SPACE STATION, BLASTS IT WITH LASER

KARDASHIAN FAMILY'S FIFTEEN MINUTES EXTENDED

RIFLE PRIED FROM "COLD DEAD HANDS" OF CHARLTON HESTON

NEW GAME SHOW:  ARE YOU DRUNKER THAN A 1OTH GRADER?

POLTERGEIST CAUSES $9 IN DAMAGE AS IT KNOCKS FRAME OFF WALL

LOCAL BLONDE FINDS LUMP IN BREAST, TURNS OUT TO BE IMPLANT

BILLY JACK KICKS THE CRAP OUT OF NURSING HOME ORDERLIES

MERRY-GO-ROUND DESIGNER TURNS LIFE AROUND

CHIHUAHUA IN PURSE LEAPS TO CERTAIN DOOM 

KKK'S MANUAL OF CONDUCT BANNED FROM LOCAL SCHOOL'S FOR USING THE N-WORD 

CLASS CLOWN LETS "BANGKOK" SLIP BY UNSCATHED DURING TEACHER'S LECTURE ON THAILAND

SUN CITY RETIREMENT COMMUNITY COMPLETES GREAT PYRAMID OF GEEZERS

THANKSGIVING TURKEY GRAVY RECIPE GUESSED AT FOR 17TH YEAR IN A ROW

HOLOCAUST "PRANKSTERS" FINALLY COME OUT OF HIDING

(Pictured:  Some of the Holocaust "Pranksters" and their descendants, who were also in on the joke)

     TEL AVIV, ISRAEL - After more than 64 years, thousands of elderly jews have finally come out of hiding, after maintaining the largest prank ever pulled in the history of life on Earth, the faking of the Holocaust.  Holocaust deniers all over the world are rejoicing in the fact that they've been right this whole time. Descendants of World War II era german citizens are kicking themselves the hardest for "falling for that one."

     Late in the 1930's, these pranksters joined together to plan this massive joke on Europe and to see the reactions of everyone else in the world.  As the nazis marched through Europe in the 1930's and 40's, these jewish comedians perpetuated the myth that jews were being detained by these german interlopers and eventually were being placed into "ghettos" in order to keep them separate from the gentiles of Europe.  Nothing could have been furthur from the truth. The huge castles and mansions of Bavaria became full of jewish families, living in luxury to keep a myth going throughout World war II.   At first thousands of jews were in on the joke, and eventually the word spread,  and by 1944, six million of these "jokesters" were in on the plot.

     The methods with which these comedic geniuses would use to keep their prank going included; ceasing all contact with family members, constructing facades which appeared to be concentration camps and pretending to be slave labor in them, extreme diet plans to make them look emaciated, and the burning of stray cats and dogs in order to get the ash into the air and keep the appearance of furnaces burning bodies.

     So, in order to keep the illusion,  they would slowly go into hiding.  The elderly and infirmed would go first, followed by children, women and eventually healthy men.  The locations of their hiding places remain a secret until this day.  One famous jewish writer, Anne Frank wrote a fictional account of how she and her family had been hiding in an attic, from the nazis, for years.  In reality, she was in a luxurious estate somewhere in Bavaria perpetuating the illusion. Her book, now known as a work of complete fiction, helped to damn the nazi regime and elevate the jewish plight during the war and shortly after it's end

     Director Roman Polanski, a child during the faking of the holocaust, was directly influenced by the complexity of the prank, that he later faked the murder of his wife, Sharon Tate by the Manson Family and he also later faked the affair with an underage girl that caused him to implement his own self exile, never to return to the U.S.  Polanski has never admitted to the jokes or his involvement in them.

     After the end of the war, the pranksters realized they needed to stay in hiding, indefinitely and any children they had would be sent back into the "real world" to keep the bloodlines of the various jewish families going. 

     It was a shock to Israeli officials when, in late 2009 thousands of elderly jews showed up on the doorstep of the various country's embassies with the news that the Holocaust was completely faked. Why they had waited so long to blow the cover off of the scam was a complete mystery.  After, 64 years, not many of the original 6 million pranksters were still alive, only about 3,000 remained to tell the amazing tale.  The descendants, however, had reintegrated into society with tall tales of how their grandmother had died in Aushwitz.  "If only the people not in on the joke knew all of our descendants were told to say their relatives died in Aushwitz, it would've been like 20 million people that died there. I mean, get real.   Nobody figured out that one." said one of the surviving pranksters.  Later, officials were informed that Aushwitz was the only facade erected to create the concentration camp illusion, all of the other camps never existed and the allies liberated condemned dairy plants in various towns of europe.

     "We greatly regret the nazi officials who were later tried and executed for war crimes, but the joke had to live on.  It was a small price to pay for a prank of this magnitude",  Horvan Horowitz recalls, his cap over his heart as he seemed to stare at the sky. 

     Dr. Ellery Mcmahon, a well known Holocaust denier said,  "I knew it all this time.  How could a race of people sit by and let another race completely annihilate it without reaction?  I have this theory that the whole Moses and the egyptian story was probably faked also as well as the whole Spanish Inquisition thing. They probably joined forces with the Muslims and helped to fake the crusades so that the white crusaders of Europe would look like a bunch of chainmailed douchebags.  Maybe the jewish race has faked everything they've been through for thousands of years?" 

Quick Headlines

WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS JAPANESE GIRL DIES AT AGE 50

FOUR OUNCE BOTTLE OF LIQUID CRASHES PLANE

24 HOUR TACO SHOP FOUND INNOCENT IN INTESTINAL DISCOMFORT ACCUSATIONS

CD PUT IN PLAYER UPSIDE DOWN, WORST IS ASSUMED

"SICK PUPPY" TORTURES HEALTHY KITTEN

PARAPALEGIC, OCTOPOD AMPUTEE BAFFLES MATH EXPERTS AT LOCAL UNIVERSITY

COLORED BLIND ELDER RUNS GREEN LIGHT

KEYS LOOKED FOR IN FREEZER

POLICE HANDGUN MISFIRES AND KILLS HOSTAGE TAKER

ALPHA MALE SUPPLANTED BY EPSILON TRANSSEXUAL

POLISH NEW YEAR TO BE CELEBRATED IN JANUARY AND JULY

CHINESE LEADER SENDS TERRA COTTA ARMY TO AID U.S. IN IRAQ

TAPEWORM ENTERS FOURTH WEEK OF ATKIN'S DIET

LOOSE BELT ON AC UNIT BELIEVED TO BE VISIT BY RECENTLY DEAD AUNT

     Pittsburgh PA - 2009,  the Jameson family was huddled in their downstairs living room when they began to here a strange sound they've never heard before. The sound was described as a low level hum along with an eerie rattle which seemed to come and go at non-regular intervals.

     Mrs. Jane Jameson was the first to correlate the strange occurance with the recent death of her Aunt Sadie, which had just happened the previous week, almost to the day.  The strange sounds happened almost at the same time, during the day, that Aunt Sadie had liked to feed her cats or have late evening tea.

     The family members soon became convinced that the ghost of Aunt Sadie had returned from the grave to visit them and make sure they were o.k.  However, as the weeks passed, the sound became louder and more disturbing.  At times, it would sound as if Aunt Sadie was trying to break through the walls.  The children became convinced that Aunt Sadie had actually gone to hell and had become an evil revenant hungry for their young souls.

     In late October, a priest was brought in around Halloween, in order to exorcise the spirit from tormenting them.  After the priest performed the ritual, the noises seemed to stop, and in early November, they ceased to occur altogether.  The family was again at peace in the fact that Aunt Sadie had finally "crossed over".

     Months passed and in early June of 2009, the noises had begun to occur again.  Had Aunt Sadie returned to torment them again?  This time, the bellowing turmoil was too much for the family to bear and they moved out, selling their house, worth well over $250,000, for $60,000.  They accepted the loss, but were happy for their lives and that their sanity was intact.  Let Aunt Sadie haunt the new owners to madness, the family said as they drove across town to live in their parents root cellar until they could find a new home.

TOM SIZEMORE TURNS DOWN ROLE IN LATEST HISTORIC WAR EPIC TO DO MORE DRUGS

     Detroit, MI - Tom Sizemore, 48, a well known character actor, famous for his roles in SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, PEARL HARBOR and BLACK HAWK DOWN recently declined one of the main roles in the talked about remake of the civil war story, RED BADGE OF COURAGE.  His reason; he declined the role so that he could do more crystal meth.

     The original film, based on the Stephen Crane novel, starred World War II war hero Audie Murphy, a role which made him famous as an american icon. Murphy would later die in a plane crash of which nobody involved with was on crystal meth.  

     Sizemore, however did not see his role as the grizzled old civil war veteran as promising and instead retreated into depravity and drug addiction. Instead of being a lead character in an american war epic he would soon be a lead character on CELEBRITY REHAB with Dr. Drew.  In this show,  he would struggle with his drug addiction and come to terms with his ex-girlfriend Heidi Fleiss, whom he had previously beaten to a bloody pulp when he couldn't find his crystal meth.

     When asked about his next upcoming role, Sizemore quickly stared into space and uttered something about his teeth feeling loose and why his fingernails were turning black.  His girlfriend or wife (pictured in photo) looked as if she had tried an intervention with Sizemore, probably by hiding or destroying his crystal meth, because of the visible welts on her person. 

     Sizemore is also famous for a celebrity sex tape which features hours of himself trying to "get it up", but he has no success because of all of the crystal meth in his system. The woman featured in the tape might be the one pictured above, but she is so completely battered that we cannot tell if it's her or not.

     A reporter from the "Wrong Hands" news team cornered Sizemore outside a beatnik coffee shop in Detroit to ask him about his more than adequate performances in films, such as TRUE ROMANCE and WYATT EARP, but was quickly brushed aside by an obviously struggling junkie, only concerned with his next fix.

Where was the strong seargent from SAVING PRIVATE RYAN or the stoic colonel from BLACK HAWK DOWN?  I'll tell you where, in skidsville, high on crank.

Quick Headlines

STRAY DOG CHASES CAR, EUTHANIZES SELF

NIGERIAN PRINCE WILL ACTUALLY SEND YOU $2,000,000 IF YOU SEND HIM $30,000

BOY POINTS TO MONEY ON TREE IN BACKYARD AFTER DAD'S TIRADE

TONGUE FROZEN TO ICE CUBE

UNUSED PENIS ENLARGER TURNED INTO BONG

GLUTEN-FREE BREAD JUST BIG BAG OF YEASTY WATER

SCORPIONS ROCK GROUP FINALLY DOES ENGLISH LANGUAGE ALBUM

CAN OF CAT FOOD REMINDS OWNER HE HAS A CAT

AURORA BOREALIS VOTED #1 NAME OF INNER CITY NEWBORNS

REMOTE CONTROL OF PLANE WRENCHED FROM SIX YEAR OLD

NATION'S C AND D STUDENTS ENTHRALLED BY ENDLESS INCARNATIONS OF "ROCK BAND"

LARGE ROCK IN BACKYARD TURNED OVER, PURE EVIL BENEATH

LOCAL MAN'S TOOL SHED HAS MORE SQUARE FOOTAGE OF SPIDERWEBS THAN ACTUAL STORAGE SPACE

GEORGE LUCAS FURTHUR DISTANCES HIMSELF FROM FANS WITH NEW STAR WARS "SEQUELS"

     Los Ageles, CA. -  Lucasfilm magnate, George Lucas, has announced his intention to furthur distance himself from his fans with the newest addition to the STAR WARS universe, the "Sequels".  The events of these three films will include the reintroduction of the Galactic Republic, the Jedi Knights and the adolescent life of the twin offspring of Princess Leia and Han Solo.  These twins will be trained by their uncle, Luke Skywalker, in a grand reintroduction of the Jedi Knights.

     Lucas's plan to distance himself includes many facets, including the addition of a Jar Jar Binks like character, a small green furred, pink-tongued monstrosity named Bilonkobu,  This creature has eight tiny legs and talks like an idiot-savant with marbles in his mouth.  Bilonkobu will be in virtually every scene and will intentionally take away from the tension in the scene by doing idiotic things in the background while the main characters are trying to advance the plot. 

     He also intends to continue his stream of idiotic names for his newest characters similar to his previous ones such as; Kit Fisto, Sleazebaggano and Gnute Gunray.  Some names he is throwing around are; Clemetine Maru, Baggsleazanno, Honkus Victorius, Darth Petunias, and Kletus Gorm.  His usual maquette makers at the Skywalker Ranch facility will, of course, meld three or four maquettes together to get the look of these new characters.

     Lucas also enjoys making up planets based on one topographical feature or weather pattern.  We look forward to the all nitrogen planet, the junkyard full of CFC's planet and the planet that's one big pear.   He also informed us that the asteroids in these movies will look nothing like the previous asteroids in former films.

     He has also informed us of the various scenes in which the dead jedi will return, including a climactic battle of the dead jedi and the dead sith from the previous films.  This battle will include Hayden Christiansen having a light saber duel with the guy who played the older Anakin Skywalker in RETURN OF THE JEDI.  It will also include the two different puppet Yodas joining forces with the CGI Yoda in the main battle sequence.

     A new sequence was recently added in which Boba Fett bursts forth from the stomach of the Sarlacc creature on Tatooine.  We, as an audience, are asked to ignore the fact that it's now 16 years later and he didn't die of starvation or lack of water.  We also see him revisit an unresolved plot point;  his father Jango's severed head and how he vows revenge, even though Mace Windu, the jedi who severed it,  is already dead.

     Pre-production has already begun, as well as casting major actors such as; Kelsey Grammer as the new jedi master, John Ratzenberger as the guy who yells "Proton torpedos away!" and Kirstie Alley reprising her role as Lt. Saavik. CGI planning at Industrial Light and magic (ILM) is working around the clock to get the creatures, ships and planetscapes ready, as well as how to figure out how to CGI Carrie Fisher into her old body from a motion capture suit.

     When asked about the older actors reprising their roles for Luke, Han and Leia, Lucas just sighed and sipped some green tea out of a General Grievous mug. 

 

PAPERLESS, TONERLESS COPIER CAUSES INTER-OFFICE MASS SUICIDE

(Artist's rendering of the copier in question)

Jan. 21st, 2010 - Greenfield, MA

      At 6:00 pm on Jan. 20th, 2010 at the offices of Wilson and Lyon's Attorney at Law offices in Greenfield, MA, eight deceased employees were discovered by the night janitor later that evening.  Upon investigation, it was determined that the entire office staff had each committed suicide earlier that day.
     Local police investigators later determined, from various suicide notes located upon the bodies, desks and in e-mails to their families, the staff had given up hope sometime between 2:30 and 3:00 pm. that fateful day.  The notes referred to a copy machine, which sat in the corner of the paralegal pit, a cubiculed area just outside of the main attorney's offices.
     Apparently, the employees had tried, over an extended period of time, to reload the paper and the toner cartridge of the copier in question.  Each of the eight employees began to lose hope when they congregated around the copier, trying to get the paper in correctly and removing the toner from it's complicated cardboard box.  Many of the notes indicated that many of the females employed by the firm, tried to put the toner cartridge in upside down.  The display was said to indicate that the paper and toner were still not installed even though the majority of the employees agreed that they were indeed installed correctly.  The copier then proceeded to indicate a paper jam after each of the employees repeatedly hit the "copy" button.
     The complicated fax addition to the copier could also have contributed to this tragedy, but was not mentioned as prominently as the paper and toner in the suicide notes.
     The night janitor, Clive Winters, was the first to discover the bodies upon entering the office and smelling the stale scent of copper, as blood flowed from various wrist wounds of the former office employees.  Upon closer inspection, he found the main attorneys of the firm dead in the solitude of their respective offices.  Stephen Wilson, a bankruptcy attorney, had tied a cellphone charger chord around the ceiling fan and had hung himself earlier that day, his body still rotating slowly above the desk in the office.  His partner, Richard Lyon's, an accident specialty attorney, had taken his favorite .357 magnum, he frequently liked to shoot with his son on the weekends, and had blown off the back of his head.
     Many of the paralegals employed by the firm had apparently obtained some kind of poison and had added it to the office coffee maker, and committed a ritual poisoning together around 2:45pm.  Others of the office, including a secretary named Rita Pulaski, had actually gone out to the parking lot, moved their vehicle closer to the office's main window, and constructed a hose out of a piece of the firm's vacuum cleaner.  They connected the hose to the tailpipes of their various vehicles and pumped carbon monoxide into the office which was still apparent later when Clive had entered the office to do his nightly chores.
     Police investigation has determined that no foul play was involved in the incident and has determined the suicides as voluntary on the part of the firm's employees.  The copier in question was removed immediately for analysis as well as toner samples from the various worker's fingers were also collected to determine time of death and motive.  A press release is scheduled for Jan. 23rd at 3:30pm.